"I Haven't Always Been This Way"
Nobody comes ready out of the box.
The Doors That Opened
Everyone seems frozen in time.
As in, from the outside, it seems like you have always been the way that you are now. Of course you think the way you do, like the things you like, are good at the things you are good at because you have always been that way.
Which of course isn’t true. Our lives aren’t static, but full of dynamic growth, change, and catalytic events that shape us into who we are.
You had a conversation, read a book, watched a movie, heard a song, attended a lecture, tried out for something, won an award, failed a class, received positive or negative feedback, made a friendship, had a falling out, traveled somewhere new, and a million other things that turned the nobs on doors to paths in your life that otherwise would have stayed closed had something not opened it.
Ready Out Of The Box
“I haven’t always been this way.”
None of us have been. But still we compare ourselves to each other, to those we admire and those we bristle at, glancing to those around us wondering if we’re normal or not. We have a vision of who we want to be but feel the gap between where we are and there. So we look to those who are there—or at least closer to there—and see the final product.
“They’ve always been this way.”
No, they haven’t.
But we don’t know the stories of how they got there. The events that opened the doors. I wish we shared the shifts we experienced in our lives so others would have a sense that no one comes ready for life out of the box.
You like poetry? When did you start liking poetry? Were you 10? 20? 30? 40?
You’re a writer? When did you know you wanted to do that? What made you decide to take it seriously?
You wake up at 4 AM every morning? When did that start? What made you start doing that?
You read a book a week? How long have you been doing that? When did that become possible for you and what factors in your life allow for that?
You have a ritual you do with your kids? When did you start doing that and how did you get the idea?
You subscribe to a particular doctrine over another one? When did that happen for you? What changed your mind?
The Context to Character
Knowing the stories behind how we became who we are gives context to our character. It allows us to see how people grow and change. How is someone made? How did they become who they are?
Sharing our shifts will help those who are a few steps behind us realize that it’s all a process. And no two people’s processes are identical. But we can learn from each other. We can take notes and the wisdom from each other’s experiences and allow that to be a catalytic event in our process.
Opening up our experiences for others to glean from means melting away our performative identities that want to appear as having it all together. It means showing the ways we were different—and even wrong—before now. The ways that we have changed in the past could unlock a door for someone else’s future. It might allow them to breathe, recognizing that they are just a few steps behind on the path and don’t need to worry about having it all together right now. It might help them have a clearer map of how to become who they want to be.
The dynamic process of our lives that made us who we are is just as powerful—if not more so—than the result. Character is forged in gray zones. How they forged us might just be a story worth telling.